I have a very bad relationship with my family, brother and mother, since my father is deceased.?

I have a very complicated family history. I was raised mostly by my mother who made my life a living hell. I was an "offspring" of the man who d her. She did not press charges but was bitter all her life about what happened. Her bitterness were all directed towards me, and I had to endure the psychological torture for nearly two decades. I knew my natural father a little, and he loved me. My family has a very comfortable life thanks to the inheritance my natural father left us. But the ets are mostly controlled by my mother. My father left me a large portion of the inheritance but I never knew about it. She kept it from me. In spite of what she did I did not allow her to make my life unhappy. There's more to life than money afterall. I often have arguments with them. It's just that sometimes, I have a hard time controlling my anger. I'm not violent physically but my thoughts are. I look calm outside but inside there is a rage that I struggle to contain. Lately I've been having murderous and suicidal thoughts. I want to kill all of them or I want to hang myself. I know this is just a moment of "pion" and once my anger subsides, I don't think about it anymore. I love them. But I don't want to see them again. I left home very early, before I was 16. I managed to survive on my own for most of my adult life. I came back since my mother wanted me to live with her. But now, I think of leaving my family forever and not have another word with them for as long as I live. This is a much better option than murder for certain. Am I crazy for thinking of murdering my family?